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Archive for the ‘funeral’ Category

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to a dear friend who just lost his wife after many years. I do not know his pain, but my thoughts needed to be expressed.

 

I know

I open my eyes in the night

     The room not quite dark from the glow of the clock

            Reaching my right arm over to where you should be

I know

                        But my hand does not feel you there

The empty place on my bed matches the empty place in my heart

I know

                                     Death, this is your sting?

            Death, this is your victory?

                        The ache in my chest makes it hard to breath

I know

            Your pain is over as you found your eternal rest

                        My pain lingers on day by day

                                    I am alone

I know

I believe what the Bible says

                        Christ fought the final battle of death and won

                        My hope is your promise of life

I know

                        You are waiting for me to join you

                             To die is gain

                                    To be with you again

I know

         But for now, my earthly pain is real

                                       I am empty

                               I am hollow

                        I am alone

I know

            For you, I will press on with life

                        Waiting my turn to pass through the vale

                        My tears will be gone when once more I see your face

                                    Eternity will be ours

                                                                             I know

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I think a little preamble to my main writing here is needed. Most of you that read my blog do know me. Others do not. Either way, you may or may not know what my life has been like the last three years. Starting with my mother’s death, and my father’s death just three months later, my life seemed vapid and out of control. Over the course of the next two years, I attended several funerals of very dear friends as well as people that I loved dearly. The emotional strain of it all began to take a toll on my physical. I would stay in bed for days on end and only get up to do necessary parts of life. Manic depression? Perhaps. But what I do know is that I felt my body shutting down. I had to do radiation treatment and two chemo shots for prostate cancer. All of this left me very weak. My immune system was gone and I was getting more urinary tract infections then I can remember. Then in January of 2018, it happened. My body gave up fighting. I got another UTI which turned into sepsis and staff infections. One night Wendy called 911 to a raving lunatic…me. My fever was 104 degrees and no amount of antibiotics the local hospital pumped into my veins, cured it. After one week at the local hospital, they told Wendy they could not help me and that I was in septic shock. I remember that week in bursts of anxiety and anger and fear. One minute I would be restless in bed and the next minute I would be crying and begging for Wendy to just let me die. I even insisted that the hospital take me off everything, stop all of the IV fluids/antibiotics, and let me die. I had my living will and DNR in place. They had no choice but to do what I demanded. Wendy, my family, and my pastor were there and finally convinced me to not quit. I agreed at last, but almost too late. My body was near death and I knew it.

The hospital contacted an ambulance transport which brought me to the VA hospital in Boston. Infectious Disease took over by trying different combinations of IV antibiotics. They did manage to get my fever under control, but never did find the cause of my blood poisoning. They told us I had some “super bug” that they could not find or cure. I was in the hospital that time for about two months I think. After they felt I had reached some baseline of a new life, I was released to go home. I was fighting Wendy on this decision. I wanted to go into a nursing home but wow can she be stubborn! lol The VA told us they would provide for me at home what I needed so I could remain at home.

While I was waiting on the home modifications, now in the May time frame, I fell. I broke both of my femurs and tibia plateaus. I also ended up with a blood clot in my left leg. I ended up spending the entire summer of 2018 with both of my legs in traction. And while in traction, I once lost control of my wheelchair and went careening down the hill at our camp. About the only thing I remember of that, is Wendy screaming very loudly until I finally stopped tumbling at the bottom.

I tell you all of this to give you a snapshot of my life at that time. On a scale of 1 – 10, I would give it a -3. Am I whining? Perhaps a little. But the point of this is to let you know my state of mind and body when I wrote the following. Being transparent about one’s thoughts is not an easy thing to do.

One Way Ticket

My mind was slowly waking from sleep. I lay in bed on my back with my eyes closed. I could tell it was some time during the night since I saw no glimmer of light through my eyelids. I opened my eyes, but just continued to stare up at the ceiling.

I turned my head to the right and looked out the window from our sleep sofa on the front porch, which has become my temporary residence since breaking my legs. I could see the moon through the pine trees that surrounded me. I lay there a minute just watching it as it cast shadows all around. I knew it would be beautiful shining over the lake as I have seen many times. I pulled myself up to a sitting position in bed and I was right. The moon cast its light across the lake right up to our dock. The lake was placid and the reflection of the light on the water was breathtaking. I have seen it this way many times and it always reminds me of a magical walkway across the water to an unknown destination. I sat there for quite a while admiring the scene before me.

My mind and soul, so eager to leave my broken body behind, imagined that if I only had the key to open the portal before me, I could rise and walk the trail of light and be free of earthly sorrows. I leaned to the right, and reaching slightly under my mattress, I took what was there.

I looked out at the moon over the water again and craved to walk the gleaming trail before me. I opened my hand and looked at what I was holding. I saw the key that I needed to cross over into the world of beauty before me. I then looked back up at the moon as I slowly took the cover off the bottle of pills that I was holding. I poured the contents into my hand. I knew the name very well…Morphine. I also knew that the number of pills in my hand would certainly be the key to open the door before me. I looked back down at my open hand…and wondered.

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I feel myself floating in a brilliance that cannot be explained

My gaze beholding a beauty before me that outshines all things that I dare approach

A veil that is woven in purest gold, with strands of royal purple intertwined

Telling the story of time that is not mine to understand

A low roar comes to my ears as I watch the veil tremble from top to bottom

The roar becomes a deafening sound of tearing…I see it part in two and try to run as the destruction grows before me

Beyond the tear the appearance of darkness begins to move into the light

But I am wrong…the darkness has not moved

Rather the light is being pulled into the ever-widening abyss

Where I am standing slowly begins to dim as I see the light in a liquid form being dragged into a darkness that leers at me with unquenchable hunger

My body, no longer my own, is giving way to a blackness that offers no hope

Being pulled apart in pieces, screaming to overcome the sneer of victory from the consuming darkness

My reason, the last to go, as all light fades from me

Leaving no trace of my existence…only a lingering despair that once was my life.

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I’ve been in the hospital for 14 days now. It has been a bag of mixed tricks up to this point.

I got some good news this morning. They are going to leave me on the antibiotics until Monday and do the surgery on Monday. So I will not have to go home and come back. That is great news to me. Going home sounds wonderful but coming back again for the surgery did not. At least now I am settled in.

The procedure itself should be pretty minor and fast. A camera is inserted into my penis and run up to my bladder. They will then use a laser to break up the stone and suction the pieces out. The journey then continues up into my left kidney. They will “pulverize” the 7 stones there and suction out the pieces. A stent will be put in for two weeks making sure everything is clear.

When I get home Palliative Home care will be working with me reduce pain an get my life back to normal! 😁

After that, my life can hopefully get back to normal!

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My youngest daughter came down to visit me this weekend. I asked her to bring her guitar so we could sing. I love music. We sang a lot and she played and sang many songs for me. I could not have asked for better medicine!

My wife and two daughters hold my heart in their hands.

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I have been transferred to the VA Hospital in W. Roxbury, MA. One of the odd things is that I am right back in the Ward I started out in 20 years ago. Strange being here. Made the full circle I guess. Several things going on. UTI, Sepsis, prostate cancer, kidney stones and bladder stones. Looks like they are saying next phase is surgery to get rid of the stones. The are “probably ” harboring the Super Bug! 🐜 I’m still very tired but hanging in there. I just do what I’m told. Will update here when I can.

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This post will be pretty brief and to the point. With the cancer thing dragging me down, my immune system thought a UTI would be nice. But not just any UTI, one that turned into Sepsis. I got very sick the same day we got 24 inches of snow. Great. Wendy dragged me to the ER Wednesday morning. They checked things out and sent me home. I made it home and Wendy called 911. Fever of 104 was enough for her. And I’m still in the hospital but hopefully on the mend. Fever is down and the morphine is controlling the pain. So I came in at 😡 and currently at 😠. Wednesday night I made MY decision to be put on Hospice. By Thursday night Wendy decided that I had decided wrong. So…I’m still here. Yay me! For any further updates please annoy, I mean call Wendy.

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