Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘broken’

Confusion surrounded me as I slowly woke. I heard a distant roar in the background but could not place it. I tried to bring myself to the reality of the noise and my surroundings, but I could not manage it. All I could remember was taking my pain medications at bed time and passing out. I remembered taking some extra morphine pills but not how many extra. Surely not enough to…well, not enough to cause any damage.

I knew my eyes were open, but I was surrounded by a grey fog that I could not see through. The roaring sound continued and was calling me to it. I still could not place it, but there was a power in the call that could not be ignored.

I sat up in bed without any effort or pain so now I knew none of this could be real. I tried to call out to Wendy in our other bed, but no sound came out of my opened mouth. Then the impossible happened as I swung my legs to the floor and stood to my feet. My body still felt nothing as I began to walk.

The roar was incessant giving me no choice but to follow it. My hospital bed and walls around me vanished into the fog with each step I took. I now recognized the noise. Ocean waves crashing onto a rocky coastline. The thundering sound growing louder with each step I took.

The grey fog began to lessen into a swirling mist around me. My eyes could now make out a surf before me as the mist swirled around my body took on the shape of huge hands pulling me forward. The strength of the ocean was overwhelming and could not be ignored. Each wave crashing over and over onto huge, teeth-like rocks around me.  I was following a very old and slippery path.

My feet were now in the water and the icy cold gripped me with fear. I tried to stop but could not. Each step brought me deeper into the swirling waters as I now felt seaweed tangle around my legs working with the undertow pulling me forward.

I was helpless at the onslaught of the strength. I continued to attempt to call out for help, but there was no one there to help me. The cold was sapping any resistance that I had of fighting. Each step I took I knew I was walking to my death. Death…cold, alone, unforgiving.

Then the roar changed to an angry hissing sound and my pace slowed. The anger of this ocean burned from losing a battle. I felt a warmth returning to my body along with a different voice calling my name. The mist vanished around me being replaced with a solid life again. Walls, lights, my hospital bed were now in my vision as the roaring sound and fog fled from the voice calling my name.

It was Wendy. I turned my head and she was sitting on the edge of my bed talking gently to me. Telling me that I was having a nightmare. She told me that I was cold feeling as she pulled the covers back up over me. My mind continued to clear as my pain reminded me of my reality. But my reality, filled with paralysis, pain, coldness and fear, could be born if I had Wendy beside me calling my name. Death would come to me some day. But for today, Wendy and her love were all I needed to face my earthly trials.

Read Full Post »

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to a dear friend who just lost his wife after many years. I do not know his pain, but my thoughts needed to be expressed.

 

I know

I open my eyes in the night

     The room not quite dark from the glow of the clock

            Reaching my right arm over to where you should be

I know

                        But my hand does not feel you there

The empty place on my bed matches the empty place in my heart

I know

                                     Death, this is your sting?

            Death, this is your victory?

                        The ache in my chest makes it hard to breath

I know

            Your pain is over as you found your eternal rest

                        My pain lingers on day by day

                                    I am alone

I know

I believe what the Bible says

                        Christ fought the final battle of death and won

                        My hope is your promise of life

I know

                        You are waiting for me to join you

                             To die is gain

                                    To be with you again

I know

         But for now, my earthly pain is real

                                       I am empty

                               I am hollow

                        I am alone

I know

            For you, I will press on with life

                        Waiting my turn to pass through the vale

                        My tears will be gone when once more I see your face

                                    Eternity will be ours

                                                                             I know

Read Full Post »

I’ve been in the hospital for 14 days now. It has been a bag of mixed tricks up to this point.

I got some good news this morning. They are going to leave me on the antibiotics until Monday and do the surgery on Monday. So I will not have to go home and come back. That is great news to me. Going home sounds wonderful but coming back again for the surgery did not. At least now I am settled in.

The procedure itself should be pretty minor and fast. A camera is inserted into my penis and run up to my bladder. They will then use a laser to break up the stone and suction the pieces out. The journey then continues up into my left kidney. They will “pulverize” the 7 stones there and suction out the pieces. A stent will be put in for two weeks making sure everything is clear.

When I get home Palliative Home care will be working with me reduce pain an get my life back to normal! 😁

After that, my life can hopefully get back to normal!

Read Full Post »

My youngest daughter came down to visit me this weekend. I asked her to bring her guitar so we could sing. I love music. We sang a lot and she played and sang many songs for me. I could not have asked for better medicine!

My wife and two daughters hold my heart in their hands.

Read Full Post »

I have been transferred to the VA Hospital in W. Roxbury, MA. One of the odd things is that I am right back in the Ward I started out in 20 years ago. Strange being here. Made the full circle I guess. Several things going on. UTI, Sepsis, prostate cancer, kidney stones and bladder stones. Looks like they are saying next phase is surgery to get rid of the stones. The are “probably ” harboring the Super Bug! 🐜 I’m still very tired but hanging in there. I just do what I’m told. Will update here when I can.

Read Full Post »

This post will be pretty brief and to the point. With the cancer thing dragging me down, my immune system thought a UTI would be nice. But not just any UTI, one that turned into Sepsis. I got very sick the same day we got 24 inches of snow. Great. Wendy dragged me to the ER Wednesday morning. They checked things out and sent me home. I made it home and Wendy called 911. Fever of 104 was enough for her. And I’m still in the hospital but hopefully on the mend. Fever is down and the morphine is controlling the pain. So I came in at 😡 and currently at 😠. Wednesday night I made MY decision to be put on Hospice. By Thursday night Wendy decided that I had decided wrong. So…I’m still here. Yay me! For any further updates please annoy, I mean call Wendy.

Read Full Post »

My diseased prostate

A cancer I do not need

Extinction for you

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »