Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘regrets’

Confusion surrounded me as I slowly woke. I heard a distant roar in the background but could not place it. I tried to bring myself to the reality of the noise and my surroundings, but I could not manage it. All I could remember was taking my pain medications at bed time and passing out. I remembered taking some extra morphine pills but not how many extra. Surely not enough to…well, not enough to cause any damage.

I knew my eyes were open, but I was surrounded by a grey fog that I could not see through. The roaring sound continued and was calling me to it. I still could not place it, but there was a power in the call that could not be ignored.

I sat up in bed without any effort or pain so now I knew none of this could be real. I tried to call out to Wendy in our other bed, but no sound came out of my opened mouth. Then the impossible happened as I swung my legs to the floor and stood to my feet. My body still felt nothing as I began to walk.

The roar was incessant giving me no choice but to follow it. My hospital bed and walls around me vanished into the fog with each step I took. I now recognized the noise. Ocean waves crashing onto a rocky coastline. The thundering sound growing louder with each step I took.

The grey fog began to lessen into a swirling mist around me. My eyes could now make out a surf before me as the mist swirled around my body took on the shape of huge hands pulling me forward. The strength of the ocean was overwhelming and could not be ignored. Each wave crashing over and over onto huge, teeth-like rocks around me.  I was following a very old and slippery path.

My feet were now in the water and the icy cold gripped me with fear. I tried to stop but could not. Each step brought me deeper into the swirling waters as I now felt seaweed tangle around my legs working with the undertow pulling me forward.

I was helpless at the onslaught of the strength. I continued to attempt to call out for help, but there was no one there to help me. The cold was sapping any resistance that I had of fighting. Each step I took I knew I was walking to my death. Death…cold, alone, unforgiving.

Then the roar changed to an angry hissing sound and my pace slowed. The anger of this ocean burned from losing a battle. I felt a warmth returning to my body along with a different voice calling my name. The mist vanished around me being replaced with a solid life again. Walls, lights, my hospital bed were now in my vision as the roaring sound and fog fled from the voice calling my name.

It was Wendy. I turned my head and she was sitting on the edge of my bed talking gently to me. Telling me that I was having a nightmare. She told me that I was cold feeling as she pulled the covers back up over me. My mind continued to clear as my pain reminded me of my reality. But my reality, filled with paralysis, pain, coldness and fear, could be born if I had Wendy beside me calling my name. Death would come to me some day. But for today, Wendy and her love were all I needed to face my earthly trials.

Read Full Post »

I just got home late last night from a week of skiing with NEHSA (New England Healing Sports Association).

This was the first sports clinic that I have been too and I now realize how much fun I have missed for the past 20 years.

This particular clinic was held at Mount Sunapee, New Hampshire. I cannot say enough good about the organization, the location and the Veteran’s Administration for putting on such an event.

The skiing was SO much fun! But the bonus for me was meeting so many great participants and volunteers to make the week a huge success.

A special thanks to my ski instructors, Mark and Kevin! They were phenomenal to work with and get to know. And to Ken who joined in with our group and let us use his Go-Pro to capture one of my “finest” moments! lol

The plaque on the trophy that I was awarded says it all! And here is a link to a video to show my comedic moment. Skiing 

img_1862

 

 

Read Full Post »

It has been so long since I have logged into my own blog that I could not remember the password. That may be good for the two of you that read this, but I’m not sure yet.

Do I have a good reason for dropping out of life? Or perhaps I should ask is there ever a good reason for dropping out of life. I wish I had a good answer to that question without relying on some old and pat cliché.

The past two years have not been good. Starting with the death of my mom on July 7, 2015, a very good friend on July 18, 2015, my father-in-law on September 5, 2015, my dad on October 9, 2015 and the list continues on like that for two years.

Of course many have told me that I am depressed or wallowing in the depths of despair and need to seek out “professional” help. I do not feel depressed and I am not wallowing anywhere (outside of the occasional times I get my wheelchair stuck in the mud).

What I do feel is reflection. Even now I have a very good friend in New Zealand, from playing on line games, who is only 35 years old, laying in a hospital bed, and feels like giving up. I also have another very good friend in NYC that is scheduled for back surgery on Tuesday for spinal stenosis. So this new year is not looking much brighter then the last two years.

It is very easy to ask why…but we all know why. What I ask is “Have I done enough?” Have I been there when people need me? Have I offered a smile, held their hand, laughed with them, cried with them. Could I have done more? These are the questions that cause me to reflect as I go into 2017.

My only New Year’s resolution is that I want to be a better person for people when they need me most.

In my book, regret is a much worse feeling then depression.

Read Full Post »

894655_10151462189646236_1553605846_oWith an endless source of life possibilities, how does one choose what to do in life? Our early years are pretty much laid out for us with family and school dictating our time. In college we start to spread our wings a bit to test our flying skills. And then we find ourselves plunged into the working world. If things progress in the natural order, we will spend the next 45 years 887124_10151462469301236_1445459261_oworking for a living, possibly raising a family and trying to find time to accomplish everything we want to do. Then in our senior years we all hope to relax, enjoy friends and family and never have to worry about money.

But let’s say you were given the opportunity to time travel to the end of your life. What would you see when you look back? Joy, sorrow, regrets, or even worse…nothing at all. In a sense, my injury allowed me the chance to read the last chapter first. What I saw was not very pretty. So many things that I would have done differently. I was so wrapped up in always keeping myself happy, that I completely missed the boat on serving others.

894001_10151462191721236_1160386490_oFriday of last week I had the opportunity to briefly share my testimony in chapel at my Alma Mater, Bob Jones University. Two friends of mine, also in wheelchairs, shared similar stories. God is always faithful. The past 16 years in a wheelchair has blessed me with serving instead of being served, and realizing that life is not about what I can get, but what I can give. I’m not sure of the exact number of people I was speaking to, but my guess would be around 2500. As I looked out over the sea of faces, I saw so many different expressions looking back at me. Happy, sad, interested, indifferent and even sleeping. What could I possibly say to have a positive impact on so many young people? Something to make a difference?1363974113299

I wanted to impress on them that what matters most in life, is loving God and loving others. That is what we will be remembered for. So let me encourage you to start writing your history today. A history of love and service. Be smarter than I was, and live your life with a greater concern for others than yourself.

Read Full Post »